If you’ve ever tried buying or selling a horse online, you’ll know it’s less like shopping and more like starring in your own reality TV show. Somewhere between Antiques Roadshow and Love Island, but with more mud and fewer working brain cells.
Welcome to the wonderful world of horse sales.
The Seller’s Photo Shoot
Selling a horse starts with photos. In theory, these should show the horse standing square in good light.
In reality, most listings include:
- One blurry photo taken from 300 metres away
- One where the horse’s head is missing
- One of the horse lying down looking suspiciously deceased
- And at least one where the seller’s thumb covers half the lens
Bonus points if the horse is covered in mud and standing behind three electric fences and a tractor.
Nothing says “future Olympic champion” quite like that.
The Description: A Work of Fiction
Horse adverts are their own literary genre.
Here’s how to translate them:
- “Forward going” – has two speeds: gallop and faster gallop
- “Needs confident rider” – recently attempted to exit the stratosphere
- “Not a novice ride” – will immediately sense fear and exploit it
- “Has never bucked” – seller has owned it for three days
My personal favourite is:
“Only for sale due to lack of time.”
Which loosely translates to: this horse has outsmarted everyone in the yard.
The Buyer Enquiries
Once the advert goes live, the messages begin.
Expect classics such as:
-
“Is the horse still available?”
(Yes. It was posted 7 minutes ago.) - “Would you swap for a quad bike and a ferret?”
- “What’s your absolute lowest price including delivery to Scotland?”
And the inevitable:
“My daughter has only ridden once at a birthday party but she’s very confident.”
Yes. I’m sure that will end well.
The Viewing
Eventually someone arrives to view the horse.
This is where things get interesting.
The horse that was calm, sensible and borderline asleep for the previous six months will immediately decide it is actually a wild mustang from the Mongolian steppe.
Suddenly it can:
- spook at the wind
- teleport sideways
- perform Olympic-level acrobatics
- invent new ways to embarrass its owner
Meanwhile the seller stands there saying things like:
“That’s not like him at all.”
Everyone knows it’s exactly like him.
The Trial Ride
Then comes the magical phrase:
“Do you mind if I just pop on?”
Five seconds later the horse is performing an interpretive dance routine across the arena while the buyer tries to remain dignified.
Everyone pretends this is normal.
It is not normal.
But it is horses.
The Negotiation
After the ride comes the most delicate moment: the price conversation.
The buyer says:
“I really love him… but…”
The “but” is usually followed by a price reduction that suggests the horse is being valued somewhere between a lawn mower and a slightly used sofa.
Meanwhile the seller is thinking:
I’ve spent £40,000 on livery, feed, vets, rugs, saddles and emotional trauma.
But sure. Knock £200 off.
The Happy Ending
Eventually, after 200 messages, 12 time-wasters and one person who asked if the horse could be posted to them, the right buyer appears.
The horse goes to a lovely home.
The seller cries.
The buyer cries.
And everyone agrees this horse will definitely be their forever horse.
Until they open Facebook Horse Market again next year.
Final Thoughts from Nag Mad Equestrian
Buying and selling horses isn’t just commerce.
It’s chaos.
It’s comedy.
It’s character building.
But at the end of the day, every rider knows the truth:
No matter how stressful the search…
the right horse makes it all worth it.
And if not, well… there’s always another advert.
— Nag Mad Equestrian